First, a disclaimer: Everything you are about to read is true and happened as I describe it. If you want to call Bull Shit! I will gladly throw the other people involved in this story under the bus and have them contact you. Granted they may choose to do it from a throw away, prepaid cell or prison pay phone but they will verify that the following story is accurate and did indeed happen as described. One more thing; I do not now, nor ever have I advocated drinking and driving, even if it was off-road. Also firearms and drinking are a very, very bad idea. I have left my drunken friends on several occasions when the guns came out. I have been a range officer and taught gun safety, I know better. If you are going to drink, call a cab, and don't bring guns! That said, in the past I did not always follow my own advice. With that out of the way, I'll begin.
It started as many E.C.H.O. Hummer events had done so in the past, however this time we we were staying in a different hotel. Our normal hotel knew us quite well, we came, we drank, we fucked up shit but we paid for it all. So on the whole they were okay with us. They did not however allow pets and we had several people along for this trip with dogs, so a change of venue was in order. A few miles down the road was a hotel that allowed dogs, so that's where we ended up. I'm sure that to this day the hotel regrets regrets the day we darkened their doorstep.
After a day of wheeling, we got back to the hotel, showered, grabbed a bite to eat and threw an impromptu party in one of the rooms. For the life of me I cannot remember whose room it was but that really doesn't matter. After an hour or so we started to run low on beer. It was time for a beer run. The idiot twins and I volunteered to go. Myer's (Myer is one of the idiot twins) Hummer was parked closest to the hotel's exit, so he was chosen to drive. John (the other half of the idiot twins, who by the way are not related) was riding shotgun and I was in the passenger side rear seat. Myer decides that rather than take the road he would hang a hard right from the parking lot into the woods behind the hotel. This came as no surprise, we pretty much expected it. Soon we found a fire trail and were are able to pick up some speed. Not that we had any idea where we were going, but at least we were making good time.
Myer was running some serious HiD lights on the truck (which happened to be one of my old trucks) these things made a sunny day seem overcast. So here we are flying down a fire trail in the dead of night at 60 miles per hour, throwing enough light to give you a sunburn, half shot in the ass when Myer decides to turn off the trail into an area that "looks like fun". It was a large open field strewn with boulders the size of trashcans and compact cars. The ride got much rougher and a lot slower. That's when we saw the skunk, about 25 yards in front of us and 20 feet to our right. As we drew nearer, Myer bet me that I could not shoot it. It was then that the skunk heard our banging and crashing and decided it was time to haul ass and get the Hell out of Dodge. As for me, I am uncharacteristically not well armed. I have a Seacamp .32 semi-auto in my pocket. Myer again taunts me to shoot it, bragging on my behalf about my shooting skills (truth be known, pistol is my weakest shooting discipline). So I draw, while bouncing and jarring up and down 24" at a time as we careened over the boulders (try this: squat as if you are sitting in an invisible chair, now have a friend pull your feet forward, so you fall on your ass. It hurts, doesn't it? Now do it every 15 seconds, that is what the ride was like) while the skunk is making a bee line away from us. Short segue; I'm no longer a hunter, I have no desire to shoot any living thing. Eat them, yes, shoot them, no. But what the fuck, the best Olympic pistol shooter could not hope to make this shot. So I "aim" and touch off one round. Just as Pepe Le Pew was scampering off a Volkswagon sized rock, the round struck him in the head and he flipped over dead. The idiots now think I am the best shot since Audy Murphy. In reality it was the single luckiest shot of my life. Sorry Pepe.
It was right after the one in a million shot that Myer decided to exit the boulder strewn field and go into the woods. A hundred yards or so later, as we were knocking down 3"diameter trees, we began to see lights in the distance. As we got closer to the source of the light we realized that it was some sort of commercial building, however their rear parking lot was cut into the hillside. So in order for us to get back on pavement we had to drop down a six foot sheer rock-face to the parking lot below. We decided that is was best for us to attempt this maneuver in reverse. So we pulled our belts tight and began the "drop". Evidently we made a little miscalculation. We dropped the truck down on its rear bumper. Back wheels in the air, front wheels in the air like a beetle on its back, wheels spinning in mid air, we were sitting in our seat looking like astronauts ready for lift off, only a small section of the frame was leaning against the rock wall. This is not stuck, this is fucked. After we pretty much fell out of the truck we noticed that a small group of people from the building had gathered outside to see what all the commotion was. As no one approached us, we continued trying to figure out our best bet for extraction. We wrapped the winch cable around a nearby tree and pressed the "IN" button on the winch control. The tree snapped in half...shit! This meant that we had to pull out the straps, shackles and other extraction gear in order to reach the next nearest tree. Eventually we managed to winch the truck up just enough for the front wheels to gain some purchase and we managed to extricate ourselves. It was not until the next day that we learned that we were in the back parking lot of the local state police barracks. How or why they didn't arrest us on the spot is nothing short of a miracle. They just stood there, watching in amazement as these three morons dropped a ten thousand pound truck on its rear bumper in their parking lot. From my keyboard to God's ears, this is how it happened.
We ended up getting more beer and making it back to the hotel as the party rolled on. At some point Myer produced a two foot long candle in the shape of a dick. Don't ask, I have not idea. After awhile you learn that there are some questions in life that are better left unasked. He proceeded to stick it in his pants and go skipping into the lobby past the poor front desk clerk who was a girl all of about 22, all the while stroking his "dick" feverishly. She showed no reaction at all, zip, nada, zilch. This just caused Myer to further his antics, he is now jumping up and down, sounding like a mule deer in heat, snorting and grunting. Little did we know that the hotel had been the recent target of a flasher. Someone in the back office saw Myer on the surveillance cameras and had already called the police. Lucy, you got some esplanin' to do! We were able to keep Myer form getting arrested but they threw him out of the hotel. The rest of us went back to the party. A few cases of beer later we decided that we should wake one of our friends who had the good sense to turn in early. Our plan was to discharge 5, CO2 fire extinguishers simultaneously under his hotel-room door. It worked like a charm! He sprung up like has was shot from a cannon, one minor problem... the cloud of CO2 "smoke" set off the smoke detectors. The cops and the fire department came this time. For the second time in as many hours, several more of us were thrown out of the hotel. Luckily I escaped the incident unscathed. What remained of our merry band of imbeciles figured that we had pushed the boundaries about as far as we could and called it a night. Sometime later, I don't know how long because I was sound asleep, I awoke to knocking on my hotel room window. It was Myer with a big shit eating grin on his face and a beer in his hand. I opened the window, which was one of those tilt in jobs, it opens just enough to allow some fresh air into the room, somehow Myer was able to climb in through it. He crawled into the other side of the my bed, which at this point really didn't bother me, as I just wanted to get some sleep. That and with him in my room I would be able to limit the amount of mayhem he could cause. Around six in the morning we were abruptly awakened by the hotel manager, who looked like a cross between Emelda Marcos and Cruela DeVille, standing at the foot of our bed (I'm buck naked, I think Myer had a pair of boxers on, in any event it had to be quite the sight!). It seems Myer, in his drunken stupor had left all his luggage outside of my hotel-room window. Once the sun came up they saw the luggage, looked in the window and realized that Myer was still in the hotel, that's how we came to have this screaming bitch standing at the foot of the bed. As she is screaming at the top of her lungs, telling us to "get the FUCK out of my hotel" and never, ever, come back, we had been blacklisted from the entire hotel chain, blah, blah, blah. Myer decides that it is the perfect time to go into the bathroom, leaving the door wide open he proceeds to take a dump. Now an even more enraged Emelda, which I did not think was possible given the way the veins were popping out of her neck and forehead, stormed out of the room. Moments later, once again... the state police arrived. While they were pretty much physically dragging and shoving us out of the hotel's side entrance, I looked out to see Myer's Hummer parked on a 60 degree incline, in a flower bed between the hotel and the business next door... and several state police cruisers. "Technically" I had not done anything wrong, so the staties had no beef with me, they did put Myer in the car and had a "come to Jesus" meeting with him for what seemed to be an eternity. In the end they did not arrest him. God truly looks out for fools, idiots and children! They asked for one of us to move his truck from the property as Myer was still visibly drunk. We were then escorted to the proverbial "city limits" and admonished not to return, ever.
We went back to our usual hotel, in the same town, two weeks later...
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