I really need to clean my desk!

My desk is so cluttered that I barely have room for a keyboard and mouse.  I clean it and without fail it is covered with shit by the end of the week.  Of course I have all the normal stuff that you would expect to find on a desk.  Things like, well the computer and monitor, a second computer and touch screen monitor a keyboard and mouse, wireless router, stapler and mug full of pens and pencils, stacks of CD's and DVD's, an external hard drive and two card readers.  Standard stuff.  The following is a list of the not so usual assortment of crap that winds up on my desk:

A six and a half inch black acrylic casket as well as a wooden version (don't ask).
A .50 caliber round of ammunition and two 7.62 X 39 rounds.
One pair safety glasses.
Two RCR 123a 3.0V batteries.
One bottel of Tabasco.
One Sure Fire B92 battery.
One SOG pocket knife.
Lots of pieces of paper with notes scribbled on them.(Okay that is not too unusual).
Several magazines and catalogs.(See above)
One ipod nano.
A lemon verbena candle.
One electronic device whose purpose I can't divulge here. 
A pelican flashlight (which I hate and should trow out).
Three coffee mugs that Lisa put on my desk with instructions to either put them someplace of chuck them.
Four different brands of natural insect repellent, all of which seem to attract bugs and repel people, this stuff smells like fresh baked shit!.  Give me Deet any day!
Speaking of bugs there is a dead stink bug on my desk.
Five memory cards of various formats.
One NRA sticker.
My Kiersten pipe, and no, I only smoke tobacco in it.
One desk lamp,75 watt incandescent.
One desk lamp, 20 watt halogen 12 volt.
One desk lamp, 11watt fluorescent ring with magnifying lens (my eyes are getting old, I'm not, just my eyes).
A digital vernier caliper.
One Kimber Ultra Elite .45 caliber semi auto pistol.
One five-in-one screwdriver.
One 52" X 82.5" Mylar emergency blanket, folded into a 3" X 5" X 3/4" pouch.
One telephone line tester (Butt Set).
One fan clutch from an Audi A-4.
A combination square.
A two foot roll of Velcro.
The carburetor from a 1972 Harley Davidson.
One Canon D60 camera.
iPhone and charging cord.
Box from iPhone.
Philips Pronto touch screen home theater controller, with color screen.
On small statue of Buddha.
One tweeter for Paradigm Reference series speaker.
One hypodermic needle and bottle of Lidocaine.
Bubba teeth.
Staedtler drafting tools.
A small sink adapter for a power drain cleaner (never used).
One pair of needle nose pliers.
One hemostat.
A leaf from some tree that I have not been able to identify, it's been here almost a year now.  His name is Walter.
Two scissors, one with Teflon coated blades.
A utility knife.
Depending on the time of day, one of my cats, George.
And the strangest thing, technically is not on my desk but sitting right next to it is a shopping cart.  That one has even me scratching my head.

I really need to clean my desk...tomorrow....